Nina turns one on Sunday. It’s going to be a pretty crazy weekend with parties for her and Ryan and all the family here so I thought I might write a little post about it early.

Probably like all parent’s I can’t believe that it has been a year already. While there were days that felt so long I thought they’d never end today it feels like only yesterday that I gave birth. It hasn’t been an easy year for me. The constant exhaustion is a bit of a killer as well as the feeling of never been able to get anything done in the time you want. I found being at home with Nina on my own a lot tested my patience and at those times I certainly didn’t always respond the way I wanted to. Although being back at work hasn’t been the miracle cure either. 

Nina is a baby who from day one required a lot. I remember returning to the hospital about a fortnight after I left. One of the midwives said to me, “I remember that baby. She was the one whose dad paced the corridors all night with her screaming.” She’s never taken naps for over an hour with someehere between 25 minutes and 40 minutes been the norm and for the first few months only if I was carrying her. When I see women put their babies down in prams or cots after they have fallen asleep I am astounded that they do that, she would always wake up and cry.  When she’s awake she certainly isn’t what you would call a placid baby either. She’s into everything causing constant mess in my life. Breastfeeding has taken a lot out of me as well and a year on I still have cracked nipples.

So motherhood one year on.  Well I guess it’s been a pretty humbling experience if you will allow me the cliche.  I have certainly had to depend on people in a way I haven’t had to since I was baby myself and I don’t really remember that.  I have also had to accept the limits of my patience and ability to cope without sleep.  I have to accept, although I am not sure I am quite there yet, that this hasn’t gone at all according to my plan.  I haven’t been the cruisy and relaxed mother that I want to be and I regret how many amazing moments I have missed with her because I have been worried about the state of the house or some other equally unimportant thing.  But one of the big learning that came out of my birth for me was “trust in defeat” and I guess it is something I will have to throughout motherhood. 

In saying all that Nina is also the most wonderful, gorgeous, extraordinary, amazing, beautiful little girl . While her inquisitiveness is exhausting I love that she is so curious about the world.  She is a really good teacher of minfulness and being present in the moment and there have been many times when I have been a good student as well.  I love the way she dances and sings and chats away constantly.  I love watching her learn different things.  I love her awe at the world, particularly animals.  I love playing with her and when she laughs I can still get all teary.  I am also very impressed at how loud she can be and sure of what she wants at such young age.  I still get excited about coming home to her smile.  The total all consuming love that I feel for her is an incredible feeling.  I am still so overwhelmed with gratefullness to God for her.