I should be at church at the moment but the truth is I am feeling too depressed to go. I know that if I went I would probably feel better but that is the problem, when you feel down, you don’t feel like doing anything and the more you don’t do anything the more down you get and the less likely you are to do anything at all. I guess it is a good thing that I have to get up and go to work tommorrow adn then I have to meet my friend Brianna, but to tell you the truth I think that I would rather just stay in bed.
So what the fuck is wrong with me. I guess I am just really missing Peru, I am missing my friends there and the kids, I am missing the fact that I feel useful there, I miss the feeling that I matter and I am not just another person in my neighbourhood and on the train in the morning and I am missing Martin, more than I can explain, my whole body and heart and soul and mind just wants to see him and give him a hug and share his life with him.
I spoke to my friend Emily on the phone last night and she was telling me not to worry about him, that all the new volunteers adore him and that he is doing lots of stuff with his life, she told me that he had a basketball game on Friday and everyone went to watch with signs and stuff and I know I should be happy and I am, I really am but I also feel so resentful that everybody gets to share his life except me and I am the one marrying him.
I also found out that one of my friends had a baby. She is a very special woman who I met as a few of her other children were students of mine. Many of the people I know in Peru treat me differently, like I am someone with money from a different country there to help them but not Patricia, despite the fact that we really have very diiferent things we were equals and during my pregnancy and miscarriage she helped me more than anyone, trust me after 11 children she really knew. Anyway she had a little girl adn she called it Emily, I mean I remember once telling her that if it was a girl she had to call it that but I didn’t think she would, I was only joking but she did and I so want to meet her, I want to hold and teach her things and support Patricia like she supported me but I can’t and I hate that and again I feel so resentful that all the other volunteers get to and I don’t.
There is so much going on there with the kids and I want to know about it, I want to know everything but it is also so hard as I just end up missing it more. I went to bed last night and I just wept and wept, I am surprised that I didn’t wake up the whole neighbourhood It felt good though I don’t think I had really let myself do that since I came home. I wept because I miss it, I wept for all the people and the poverty that they live in, I wept for my baby and all the other struggles that I had, I wept for all the people that I met and may never meet again, I wept for the fact that I can’t change the whole world and I wept because of the shit that I have to go through just to be with the man that I love.
You know the problem with going and living in other places is that I will now spend the rest of my life missing somewhere. I don’t regret it though none of it and I just have to remember something my mum told me once. She said that we live in a world where lots of sad things happen and that it is good to feel sad for it, it shows that you care. She is right if I never cared for anyone or anything I wouldn’t feel like this but I refuse to stop caring.