I feel pretty happy right now.  It’s 9.30 at night, Nina is asleep and I’m listening to some Damien Rice as I sip on my red wine and write this post on my comfortable lounge.  Damien Rice does make me feel a bit nostalgic and nostalgia is a bit of a bitter sweet happiness sometimes but mostly sweet in this instance.  Mum and Keith have just been here and we had a special time showing them around Chulucanas and the surrounding area.  They left Chulu two days.  They are heading slowly down to Lima visiting a few places on the way but we will be seeing them on the weekend again when we all head to Pucallpa to see Martin’s dad. Pucallpa is in the jungle and it will be my first experience of the jungle so that’s exciting.

I am also happy because Martin just submitted his second assessment for his masters.  It’s been a lot of work for him and he’s been rather distracted.  I am happy to have him back at least for a few days until he has to start working on the second one.  I have been trying to help by proof reading and that’s hard enough.  I think more than anything it has shown my ignorance of agriculture and probably science in general.  Lucky he knows that bit.  My dad once said that he thought we were happiest when we were just about achieve a goal, when it was in our reach but we hadn’t quite got there.  It makes sense in some ways, that we feel happiest when we still have something to strive for but I really think I am happiest when I have just achieved it.

I guess I am also generally happy because I have wonderful husband and daughter (and I should appreciate them more).  I also have friends and family who make me feel loved and valued and I mostly enjoy my life here in Chulucanas and the privelege of living in and travelling around another country.  Sometimes I feel like I would like to be doing a bit more here and feel frustrated that I can’t seem to get achieve some of the things that I want and struggle with feelings of inadequacy.  There are also feelings of guilt and pain from my past but I am strengthened by the grace of God in my life and my faith brings a deep joy to my life.

Anyway, I had a little moment of synchronicity when I realised that happiness was my next topic as just a few days back we got to talking about happiness with mum and Keith.  We were in a little restaurant in the mountains of Peru.  It was a breathtakingly beautiful place but the poverty was glaringly obvious as it is in much of Peru.  That day we had interacted with a number of people in the community there for different reasons and this had got us discussing the age old topic of poverty and happiness.  Are those of us who are not living in poverty any happier than those who are?  In general I find either argument on this debate unhelpful.  To say that people living in poverty are much happier than us often glamourises poverty and takes away the fact we have a responsibility to do some thing about it.  On the other hand to say that life for them is totally miserable takes away some of their dignity and diminishes the fact that their lifestyle is equally as respectable if not more than ours.

But I shouldn’t just disagree without having an opinion of my own I suppose so here a few scattered thoughts.  I know that certain basic needs have to be met for happiness to have a chance, eg if you are living in constant fear or always hungary or cold it would be hard to feel happy.  Having a sense of being loved, valued and belonging as well as having a sense of purpose and satisfaction influences a lot on happiness as well.  And I feel that comparison plays a big part and that envy is soul destroying.  Thus if everyone around you is living similarly to you it easier to be poor than if everyone else around you is rich.  Finally, it is commonly known that depression and suicide is more common is more “developed” countries but I also know that there are certain luxuries that help me feel happy but maybe that is simply because I am accustomed to it.  Sometimes I feel guilty too about being happy in a world of so much pain but I try not engage that much.  While of course it is important to be acknowledge other people’s struggles and thus be grateful for happiness and to not take it for granted, guilt serves no-one.  I am grateful for happiness.

I actually started writing this post Sunday 5th August but didn’t finish it.  So this is actually what inspired me on that day.

On Friday I had my second birth.  It didn’t go very well at all.  I won’t go into it all here but the woman on duty that day wouldn’t let me in.   By the time I got there they had decided to give her a cesarean.  I told her that I still wanted to go in as the woman, Jovany, would be really upset as she had really wanted a natural birth.  The nurse told me she was fine.  I told her their are emotional sides to birth as well as physical ones but she ignored me.  I waited around for awhile wondering what to do and then Jovany came out to use the toilet.  I spoke with her for awhile and when she came out of the toilet she asked me to come in with her so I did.  When they nurse found me giving her a massage she asked me to leave.  Jovany said she wanted me to stay but the nurse said I couldn’t.  I then said that she should be more focused on the needs of the patients than of herself which didn’t get me any more on side and eventually I agreed to go.

I went back during visiting hours and I found Jovany recovering from her operation.  I asked where the baby was and she said she didn’t know.  She also asked me if the baby was okay and if it was a girl or boy.  No one had bothered to tell her.  I went to found out and found the baby all by itself in a crib.  I asked the doctor if I could take the baby to her mother and he said no.  I tried to explain how critical these moments are for bonding and attachment and practically begged him but he wouldn’t even look at me.  So I went and told Jovany that all was ok and that she had a little girl, which she had wanted.  Then I went back to sit with the baby.  I sang to it for a little while but then they told me I had to leave again.  I decided there was no point fighting.  I was totally uninspired and had decided to give up.

Today though I told my cousin who works as a driver for the hospital.  He told me that kind of treatment of patients happens all the time and worse.  The horror stories he told me of medical professionals who give no respect to the patients and have no regard for their well being was awful.  However, amongst these awful stories he told me how he in his role as driver tries to offer a smile where he can and tries to listen to what they are feeling.  He told me how on numerous occasions he has fought with doctors to get them to help someone who they don’t want to because they are not insured.  My cousin has a pretty low level job in hospital and is also not always respected by the doctors but I was inspired by how in this position he tries to make a positive difference where her can.  His kindness really shines a light on their disregard.

This really inspired me to somehow keep trying.  It made me realise how important these little acts of kindness are when someone is sick or in birth or dealing with the hospital system.  While I am still very angry and frustrated with the hospital he made me value the little things I was able to do for Jovany, which at the time felt like nothing.  And she must have valued it for when I visited her the next day in the hospital she told me she had called her baby Emily.

Since starting that post on August 5th I have met with the director of the hospital.  She seems a bit in denial that that kind of thing is happening but she assured me if I write a letter she will ensure that all the nurses know who I am and will let me in to support women in birth not matter what kind.  I had thought that would already happen but I hope coming from the director I won’t have this problem again.  I have also visited Jovany and baby Emily a few times and they are doing fine.  She is really disappointed and angry but we debriefed it all and she is trying really hard to make up for the time they missed together when she was first born.  She is also a very inspiring woman.

For those of you who may be wanting to know I spoke with mum and Keith and they had arrived safely to Quito and despite been a bit tired were having a good time. Currently they are their way now to meet me in Loja.

I am off too to meet them. I have to renew my visa, I’m currently and illegal and I will travel with them to Peru. I am excited to see them and to show them around this other home of mine.

It will be my first night away from Nina. I hope Martin doesn’t give her too much junk food. I’m kind of excited about that but also a bit sad, although no reason to be at all.

I love sleeping.  I love a big sleep in, I love an early night and I even love a nap in the middle of the day.  Not all on the same day of course but you get the point.  Therefore lack of sleep has been by far the most difficult challenge of parenting for me.  I hate to admit but I know that how much I enjoy being a mother is totally related to how much sleep I am getting.  These days I am getting a lot so I am immensely enjoying parenting.  I am also enjoying Nina the more she talks as well (something else I love as people who know me know) but this post is about sleep.

Nina is now sleeping through the night, from 7.30pm to 6.30am approximately.   Apart from a glass of water here and there I have not had to get up to her since about three days after I stopped breastfeeding about 2 months ago.  It’s wonderful.  I am still not over it at all.  I guess after 1 year and 9 months of getting up through the night (apart from two days before we left Syd) one becomes to realise what a blessing a full night’s sleep it.  I am also grateful that she can put herself to sleep.  I hope I will stay as grateful as I am.  Every night I go to bed and I actually feel excited knowing that I won’t have to get up.

She also continues to have nice long naps of about 1.5 hours.  It’s probably been 5 months of that now too and I am still very grateful as well.  As a baby she only ever had 40 minute naps and mostly that was in our arms or in the car so reliable naps is also something I do not take for granted at all.  I have now seen a number of new mothers breast feed their babies to sleep and then put them down in a cot or bed and they just stay asleep for an hour or so at a time.  I cannot believe that it can be that easy.  As said Nina would never nap for that long and as soon as we put her down she would wake up and cry.  People would often say that it was because I got her used to it.  Maybe I did but it was because from the first days in the hospital she would just scream every time I put her down.  I guess when you have spent ages trying to get her to sleep you are loathe to wake her up by putting her down.

I would totally recommend the book “The No Cry Sleep Solution”.  It took awhile but we now have a toddler who sleeps amazingly well.  Sometimes I wish she would wake a little later but I am lucky that I only have to get up that 3 times a week as Martin does the other 4.  She is happier and we are much happier for it too.  Yay for sleep.

As we all know there are many different levels of friendship.  I did a quick little google search and found that most people suggest there are four categories of friends.  People have many different names for these levels but basically it goes something like this.

Level 1 friends:  are people you say hello to and maybe stop and chat for awhile if you run into them at the cafe or bar. They’re probably friends of yours on Facebook, but if it weren’t for Facebook, they would have almost no clue what’s going on in your life.

Level 2 friends:  encompass a lot of people like co-workers and others you see and talk to regularly but don’t necessarily get together much. Occasionally, you might have lunch or you might invite them to a big party you’re having, but the expectations of your relationship are low and the interactions are casual.

Category 3 friends:  can get more complicated, because the relationship is deeper, but the expectations often aren’t clear. They’re your go-to friends when you feel like getting a group of people together, or you feel like inviting someone over for dinner.  You spend time together maybe once or twice a month, but there is still at a bit of a distance.

Category 4 friends: understand you.  They get who you are at your core, which means you can completely be yourself around them, without worrying what they will think.  Whenever you feel the urge to see them, they’re thrilled to see you if they possibly can.

While in some ways this notion of having cetgories of friendship is a little bit crass and obviously relationships are far more complicated than this I do find it kind of helpful too.  It perhaps makes me realise why, despite having a number of friends here in Peru, I often feel a bit lonely.  I guess it’s because I have no friends who I would put into category four.  It also makes me feel like it’s okay to share at different levels with different people and have different expectations of different relationships as well as myself in different relationships.  While I do often discount the less intimate levels of friendships I really shouldn’t and I have come to cherish having different types of friendship and I am grateful for all the people in my life.  Truly everyone can’t be an intimate friend and it’s often fun to just get together on a lighter level.

In saying that my closest friends are most definitely one of the things I am most grateful for in my life.  Really, without them I don’t think I would have survived some of the more difficult times in my life.  Throughout my twenties especially my closest friends really supported me to become the kind of person I really wanted to be.  Recently, I have been thinking about that a lot.  Sometimes I struggle to feel like I am making any difference in the world at all.  Perhaps it’s a misguided idea but it’s got me to thinking about who had made a difference in my life and I realise it’s not people with grand ideas who have come into my life to try to make a difference but rather my close friends and family who listen to me and allow me to be who I am warts and all.  Which has in turn lead me to feel like the best way we can change the world is to be a good friend and family member.  Willing to walk with people wherever they go and let them be who they are even the more difficult parts of them.

Currently my friend Emily is visiting Peru from Sweden with her husband Rocky.  Emily and I volunteered together back in 2003.  I met Martin the same night she met Rocky.  We only knew each other for 10 months before I returned to Aus early 2004 but we have stayed in touch ever since.  It has been fairly sporadic especially over the last few years but spending time together over this last month it has not felt like we haven’t seen each other for 8 years.  For me that is another sign of a really good friend.  Someone you cannot see for years and years but when you do it’s like you were never apart.  It has been wonderful to have her here but it’s going to be hard when she leaves.  I was used to not having really intimate friends around to talk to but now I have gotton used to it again I will feel it when she goes.  Lucky my mum will be here 10 days later.  My mum is certainly a very close friend as well.

Thank you God for friendship!!!!

You may have noticed from the photos but Nina is a bit cross eyed.  We first noticed this when she was about 4 months old and we took her to an optometrist but he said it should correct itself and if not to bring her back around two.  She is now approaching her second birthday and it was getting significantly worse so we took her to an optometrist here.  He said they should be fine and we can correct by her wearing a patch on her eyes for hopefully just a few months.  We alternate the eye every second day.  She doesn’t like having it put on but once on it no longer seems to bother he particularly.  It’s now been almost two months and they are getting a bit better so hopefully not too much longer.  I promised Jem photos a few weeks back so here they are.  She looks a bit like a pirate.  A cute one though.

Nina has become  avery affectionate little girl.  Most of the time.  Here she is giving me a really good hug.

And one for her cousin Alma.  Aren’t they the cutest.

There’s been a lot of parties here in Chulu over the last few weeks.  As mentioned in a previous post we have a number of old friends visiting from around Peru and around the world. We had a big reunion a few weeks back which I posted about.  It was a special night although most nights since we have been gathering somewhere to talk and reminisce.  Here are some photos. 

As everyone was here to celebrate our good friends Victor and Karyn finally decided to get married after many years together.  Here we all are looking lovely.

Then Emily and Rocky’s son celebrated his fourth birthday party.  Here is the birthday boy with his parents and very happy grandparents.

Nina is such a messy party animal.

And then some other friends from the States who got married there had a small, very simple ceremony and then party to celebrate.  It was the most amazing setting as you can see.  Definitely my kind of wedding.

Back in the days when we lived in the commie house in Enmore we talked about vulnerability a lot.  Although, for me becoming a mum has made reall understand my own vulnerability.  Being a parent has made me very aware of all the things that could happen to a child that are out of my control and many of these things I don’t believe I could cope with at all.  Before becoming a mum I thought I would be able to cope with almost anything, having to admit that I probably couldn’t makes me feel vulnerable.  Being a parent has also made me aware of many more faults and limitations that I have. Being constantly faced with these things makes me feel vulnerable as well.

These kinds of feelings of vulnerability have given me a much less idealised view of vulnerability than I had back in Enmore.  I also am a little more cautious these days about choosing really safe places to be vulnerable.  In saying that I do still believe that coming to accept our vulnerability in this world is a really important part of the journey.  Particularly in the journey of faith we need to acknowledge our total dependence on God.  I also still believe that sharing our vulnerability is really crucial to community living and being in close relationships.

On Friday I finally supported a woman in birth here in Peru.  There have been three other women who I was supporting but the first two had to go to Piura for a caesarean and the third just didn’t ring so I was starting to feel like it was never going to happen but then it did.  While there were certainly lots and lots of things that I thought were terribly done in the end I think it went about as well as I could have hoped for.  Mainly, the fact the dad was able to attend the whole labour and birth.  It was a battle that is for sure but I think we managed to do it without too much distraction to the birthing woman so that is good.  He was the first male to attend a birth at the Chulucanas hospital and here’s hoping that from now on in it won’t be so hard.

It was a 12 hour birth, about half at home and half in the hospital.  I was there for only about 1 hour of the home part.  It was going well and I was gently encouraging her to stay a bit longer as I knew the hospital part would be awful, but she was getting a bit nervous and keen to go.   When we got there she had to go through the emergency department before she could be admitted which is crazy.  Certainly not a place conducive to birthing but it’s protocol.  While they examined her and made her answer a series of questions about her pregnancy and address details etc which they really should have already had I called one of the midwives who I have contact with to see if we could get the dad in.  I explained he was really keen to be involved and that he had been a really good support to her thus far.  I also really pushed the point that it is really important for bonding with the baby etc for him to be there.  She reluctantly agreed to ask.  She came back and said he could be at the actual birth but would have to wait outside during the rest of the labour as there was another woman in the room as well.  In the meantime they were now wheeling her into maternity.  She asked if she could walk as it was less painful but they insisted she be wheeled.  I asked why given it was less painful for her and better for birthing to which they replied it was the rules.  I let it drop as I had a more important battle to fight on behalf of the father so I suggested he wheel her in and then he just stayed.  When they came to chuck him out we moved some dividers around which gave the other woman plenty of privacy.  Really they should have just been there in the first place, I have no idea why not but then again there were a lot of things I have no idea about.  Later someone else came and tried to chuck him out but I volunteered myself to leave instead.  I waited outside for about an hour and then went back in.  She was now 8cm and was starting to find things pretty hard and so was he so I took over the encouraging words and massage.  He stayed but seemed to need me to do most of the work   The staff seemed to finally notice how much better she was with a us both there so left us alone.

When it cam time to actually birth she had to be moved to a birthing room.  Here in Peru women can still not birth in the positions they choose but have to lie down with their legs up for the doctor.  We were told only one of us could go so of course it was the father.  I waited just outside and after the baby was born they let me go in.  They were stitching her up and the baby was lying on the table all alone while the dad tried to support his partner.  Knowing that babies are born needing contact with their parents and looking for their eyes and I quickly called the father over and told him to pick up his son and look into eyes.  He did that while I went and sat by the mother to offer her encouragement at a hand to squeeze while they stitched her up without any pain relief.

When, finally that was over and she was able to feed her baby with the proud dad cuddled up to her, I left them to bond as a family without interruptions as it should be.  I cannot say I left with same joy as I had left the other births I had been part of.  I was feeling very frustrated about so much of the procedures previously mentioned.  As well as I had been appalled by the treatment given to the other woman there.  She was all alone and kept screaming out with the contractions.  When she did they would all tell her to calm down.  She was an older lady and thus was asked by various different nurses how many children she had.  She would tell them five and then they would say something like, “then you knew it would be like this, calm down”.  I wanted so much to offer her some encouraging words or something but I felt it was important I stay with the woman who I was there to support as well as I truly believe the work of a doula is based upon trust and an on going relationship which I did not have with the woman at all but she was very much on my heart as I left.

I had hoped when I had got here that I would be able to change some of these things.   I no longer think that will happen.   However, I do hope that maybe this birth in which a man attended for the first time in this hospital will set some sort of precedent.  I do hope that maybe some of the midwives saw the positive benefits of some encouraging words and will give it a try.  I guess you never know what happens with the seeds you plant.

I am probably one of few thirty years old who can say they are lucky enough to have 4 living and still very healthy grandparents.  All four of them have always been very generous with me in lots of different ways and have impacted on my life greatly.  Here’s some ways how.

I was reading a little while ago about raising resilient children.  One of the things they said was that having rituals was very important.  My grandparents on my mum’s side really gave me that when I was growing up.  I remember for every birthday in the family we would always get together.  My grandmother would make it feel very special by cooking yummy food and setting the table really nicely.  When the cake came out it would be decorated with candles of course but also a miniature figure of Bambi.  Bambi was a part of everyone’s birthday and we were very fond of her.  Little things like that make us feel connected to and part of a family.  Even though they are small I think they are very important.  We also had Christmas rituals and special foods. It was always the same but I loved it.  My grandparents also hired a house most years up in Shoal Bay which was always one of the highlights of my year.  I would look forward to it the whole year round and I am grateful to them for that.

My grandparents on my dad’s side had 8 children and now have 17 grandchildren and 1 great grand child.  As someone who thinks they’ll only have one I think that is pretty impressive.  Despite there being so many people they are very good at making you feel part of the family exactly as you are.  I wouldn’t say we stay in touch much when I am not in Tamworth but when I am there it feels like home.  They are always interested and listen well to what I’ve been doing good parts and hard parts as well.  I really value that.