There are fires everywhere around Central Australia at the moment. It’s so bad that the sky has gone all grey from the smoke. It’s pretty awful and I have a sore throat for a week. There is one burning close to our house too. It’s a bit scary although driving home from work at night and seeing a fire burning up a mountain is pretty cool. Keith and the neighbours have spent the last few days out fighting them as we can’t seem to get any interest from the fire services who keep saying that it is someone elses responsibilities. I am hoping we won’t have to evacuate but you never know.
Nina made me very happy today. We were listening to a bit Trace together and having a bit of a dance and during the bit in “talkin about a revolution” that goes, “don’t you know you better run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run,” Nina started singing along. I have to say her runs sounded more like “uns” but it was pretty close. She’s definitely mummy’s girl today.
I watched Q&A last night. It had been awhile. It’s the kind of show that you really need a break from. The political spin over and over can get pretty exhausting. Not to mention I have been trying to get to bed at around 10pm But last night’s show was predominantly about religion which I’m interested in and I was trying to organise some photos on out computer so I thought I’d give it a watch. I was nervous that it was going to be terrible, that there would be a whole bunch of Chritians saying bigoted and embarassing things. There was some of that but a lot less than I thought and the representative atheist said some pretty bigoted things of her own to even it out. Surprisingly, I found myself agreeing with almost everything Kristeena Keneally said. I wouldn’t have called myself a huge fan when she was the NSW Premier but last night she was great. Good Christian arguments in support of asylum seekers, gay marriage as well as religion’s role in politics.
Nina seems to have a worked a lot of important things out. When you say “hi five” she puts her hands up for hi five; when you say clapping she claps; when you say boo she covers her face (well not much but she tries) and says boo and my favourite is when you say kisses she leans in for a little kiss. I think she also understands “uh uh” but has also learned to ignore it. When we say it she stops what she is doing eg, pulling DVD’s off the shelf, looks at us, gives a cheeky grin and then keeps going. It is extraordinary how quickly they learn.
A new phrase she has added to her vocabularly of mum, dad and nanna is “oh dear”. This addition has me worried about how often I must say that. She can also say “oh oh oh” which she does on cue every time Beyonce’s “all the single ladies” starts playing. Martin is appalled that teh first song she learned to sing along to is Beyonce but it’s pretty cute.
This blog really needs some love. I have logged on a few times thinking maybe inspiration will come but nothing comes to me so I log out again.
I think I’m a bit void of inspiration in life in general. I realised it’s probably mostly due to the fact I don’t really get enough quiet time these days for any spiritual input eg reading the Bible or other books on spirituality, prayer and meditation, writing and journaling. With that realisation after we put Nina down to bed last night I walked down to the river sat and read for awhile and tried to meditate a little. It wasn’t long before it got too dark and cold but it was something and I feel infinitely better. I just have to try to do it more often. But the pressures of life and tiredness are not easy to overcome.
Anyway, I am thinking about grace. Not really fully able to articulate the thoughts fully of yet but I really am grateul for all the grace I receieve in my life. I need to give it more. The world needs more of it too.
Nina turns one on Sunday. It’s going to be a pretty crazy weekend with parties for her and Ryan and all the family here so I thought I might write a little post about it early.
Probably like all parent’s I can’t believe that it has been a year already. While there were days that felt so long I thought they’d never end today it feels like only yesterday that I gave birth. It hasn’t been an easy year for me. The constant exhaustion is a bit of a killer as well as the feeling of never been able to get anything done in the time you want. I found being at home with Nina on my own a lot tested my patience and at those times I certainly didn’t always respond the way I wanted to. Although being back at work hasn’t been the miracle cure either.
Nina is a baby who from day one required a lot. I remember returning to the hospital about a fortnight after I left. One of the midwives said to me, “I remember that baby. She was the one whose dad paced the corridors all night with her screaming.” She’s never taken naps for over an hour with someehere between 25 minutes and 40 minutes been the norm and for the first few months only if I was carrying her. When I see women put their babies down in prams or cots after they have fallen asleep I am astounded that they do that, she would always wake up and cry. When she’s awake she certainly isn’t what you would call a placid baby either. She’s into everything causing constant mess in my life. Breastfeeding has taken a lot out of me as well and a year on I still have cracked nipples.
So motherhood one year on. Well I guess it’s been a pretty humbling experience if you will allow me the cliche. I have certainly had to depend on people in a way I haven’t had to since I was baby myself and I don’t really remember that. I have also had to accept the limits of my patience and ability to cope without sleep. I have to accept, although I am not sure I am quite there yet, that this hasn’t gone at all according to my plan. I haven’t been the cruisy and relaxed mother that I want to be and I regret how many amazing moments I have missed with her because I have been worried about the state of the house or some other equally unimportant thing. But one of the big learning that came out of my birth for me was “trust in defeat” and I guess it is something I will have to throughout motherhood.
In saying all that Nina is also the most wonderful, gorgeous, extraordinary, amazing, beautiful little girl . While her inquisitiveness is exhausting I love that she is so curious about the world. She is a really good teacher of minfulness and being present in the moment and there have been many times when I have been a good student as well. I love the way she dances and sings and chats away constantly. I love watching her learn different things. I love her awe at the world, particularly animals. I love playing with her and when she laughs I can still get all teary. I am also very impressed at how loud she can be and sure of what she wants at such young age. I still get excited about coming home to her smile. The total all consuming love that I feel for her is an incredible feeling. I am still so overwhelmed with gratefullness to God for her.