Some days suck and today was one of them.
Today at Monday Club two people in the club were quite abusive to eachother verbally and a little physically so they were asked to leave. One left swearing never to return and the other, someone who I have always had a really good relationship with, went up the road and started saying that he was going to kill himself. I went up to find out if he was serious to decide if we needed to call the crisis team and tried to talk to him. All he kept saying was ‘you have to let me come back I can’t handle rejection over and over’, I tried to say that wasn’t my decision but that of the club and anyway it was just for today not forever’ but in the end he said he was going to kill himself and then he shouted out that he would kill someone. At that point I went and asked them in the office to call the crisis team and of course as usual they couldn’t come and by this stage he returned to Rough Edges and had a table in his hands swearing to throw it at me so I said call the police. This was probably a bad decision but I didn’t know what else to do, I was scared and I felt really helpless. I guess I had come up against my limitations and I hated it. I so much just want to try and serve people and so often I feel like I just make things worse.
Now here I am at uni about to hand in an assessment that that I think really sux but I don’t really know what else to do with it.
I don’t know how to find the time to blog more. I imagine it would be easier if my computer wasn’t so stupidly slow and I wsa a faster typer and if my hands sisn’t go numbe from the cold when I was typing like they are now, I think i will go and look for some gloves.
Okay I am back with gloves Yay.
So life well quite a lot has been happening really. Lots of assessments in thae last couple of weeks. I got one back and passed, the professor ticked all the very good boxes so that is good. There are two more thatv I haven’t got back , one I know I did quie well in but the other I am very worried about, It was a Psychology exam and for some reason I just can’t seem to get myself together in exams. I mean I felt like I knew the stuff but I ended up spending 45 mins on tghe first question and then had only 45 min left to do the other three and when I read back over it I thought that is not what I wanted to say. I think I might visit the study skills unit and ask them for some tips on how to do exams. Luckily most of my course is assessment and not exams.
My friend MAria was also out visiting Ryan and I and another friend called Jason. We had some fu together especially on Ryans birthday. Maria and I also took the ferry to Manly walked on the beach and had dinner. We had a bit of a discussion in regards to Ayni and some of the things that went on in Peru and I got the feeling she was pretty angry with me abouit some stuff. I don’t know if she has fully moved on but I am really happy that we managed to get it out in the open adn begin the process of sorting through some of it even if a lot of it was a bit hurtful to me. I think I have to start learning not to take things that aren’t personal, personally, especially in regards to Ayni. I tend to be a bit to protective of it and the things that I did in Peru but the truth is that we are all learning as we go along adn some things work and some don’t, we have to take the mistakes with the good things and that’s just that. I remember returning from that TEAR conference adn feeling best about hearing about other peoples struggles. I remember thinking that all othe organisations seem so good adn look at all the great things they are doing, there must be something wrong with me that so much doesn’t seem t work in Ayni and then I realised through sharing with others that many people doing this stuff have similiar struggles to me and that was very comforting and challenged me to keep going despite the difficulty.