As part of my doula course I have to attend two births. Wednesday was my first one. It was long and exhausting but amazing. I feel a bit embarrassed saying this as it is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot but it was a truly humbling experience. When she gave birth I really felt so unworthy to be part of such a sacred experience. I truly wanted to take my shoes off as I was standing on holy ground.

I think women are truly amazing. The way that they sacrifice themselves so totally for their children. Towards the end the birthing woman was completely exhausted and she found that by lying down she could reduce the intensity of the contractions as well as get a much needed rest. However, reducing the intensity of the contractions means slowing the birth down. She knew she had to stand up but nothing in her wanted to this at all. However she did it. Watching her pull herself up and brace against the pain was one of the most courageous things I have ever seen.

I still really want to be a doula. While I am conscious that I still have so much to learn I think it fits pretty well with who I am. I am fairly aware of people and I am pretty level headed in very stressful situations. I totally believe in empowering women and ensuring they have the kind of births they want to have. It is also a job that requires one to totally forget themselves and focus on another person. This may not be naturally me but I would like to get better at that. However, I am a little unsure about how much time it will probably end up taking. Time away from my own family. Not to mention the emotional and physical energy requires. Things to think about I suppose.

I turned 29 on Saturday. It was a pretty simple, quiet day but just lovely. It was the first birthday Gem and I have had together since 2006 so it was really special having her around. On Saturday morning Ryan got up to Nina so we were able to have a 8.30 sleep in. We then had Saturday morning pancakes as usual. Recently, we’ve started having them around the fire which is a bit slower but starting the day around a fire is pretty nice. After pancakes I headed off with Jem and Gem for a massage which was very relaxing and then we had lunch in town.

When we got home I did a couple of chores, although not many as Jem had divinely scrubbed my house from top to bottom as a birthday present. It’s probably the cleanest it’s been since Nina was born. Finally, we got Nina off to bed before our birthday dinner. It was just family, John and Marilyn and the kids and my friend Rosie but just what I wanted. The kids had made pass the parcel so we started the night with that which made me feel very young. Then we had dinner in the new big room and John said we needed to christen it with dancing so dance we did. It was pretty daggy buy so fun. Margrita wanted to play musical stautues which turned into musical chairs. It was the most I’d laughed in a really long time.

29th birthday sufficiently celebrated.

I’ve been meaning to post about this for awhile now. It probably really isn’t the time as it’s late and I really need to get enough sleep but a few posts on the feed about God’s call have inspired me.

Martin and I are heading back to Peru. November 27th we leave. I guess we have been saying we are going to go for as long as we’ve been married so it’s not really a shock but it feels a bit like one to me. I kind of had it in my head it was still a few years from now and then of all a sudden we were going.

It started a few months back. I had started looking at houses thinking that maybe it would be kind of nice to settle down. I knew that we had always said we’d go to Peru but buying a house in Alice Springs was feeling much more appealing. Alice has its challenges but buying a home here felt much more comfortable and safe.

Then we had a few visitors who’d just been in Peru randomly come to stay. They’d been doing some really cool stuff in the development sector and I got all excited about that again. I was feeling very torn. Then Martin decided to quit his job. He’d been feeling very unhappy there for a number of months and finally could no longer continue there with any integrity. When I told our visitors that he’d quit and while I respected his decision I was a bit nervous they just said that things like this open up other possibilities.

So we started to talk about Peru again. Do we go? If so when? What were we going to do there? Would we buy a house there? How long would we stay there? Where would we live? I was feeling very stressed by all these decisions. But I was in my Quaker meeting that week and I was reading Esther and a thought just came into my head. Just make the next decision. All of sudden it feel so clear. We’d go. I couldn’t make all those decisions but I could make the next one.

A week later we’d booked our tickets to Peru. I don’t know where we’ll go, what we’ll do, how long we’ll be there. Really I have no idea. All I know is that we feel called to go. I guess we just have to trust God in the rest. We have ideas and visions and hopes and dreams for what we’d like to do etc etc but we can’t really know anything else until we get there.

Some days I am relaxed with this, other days it stresses me out but Howie’s post tonight reminded me that in the end it’s not really about what we do or don’t do. It’s just about facing the challenge that’s been put in front of us with all that scares me, excites me, thrills me, depresses me and in that trying to love those around us and been open to what they have to offer and what God gives us to offer.

We’ve been getting to zero and below the last couple of mornings. Give me hot over cold for sure. LLet me tell you getting up for night feeds at that temperature sux bad. Lucky Nina has only being wanting two, sometimes even one of late. Although, last night despite wearing a spencer and long johns under my pyjamas and having a sheet, blanket, doona and bed spread on the bed, I was still cold. Unbelievable.

Esther – Esther was one of my favourite stories when I was a little girl. It is the story of a brave woman who makes a brave choice. Not knowing what would happen she made a decision to help her people even though the consequences could have been tragic for her. She put her hope her God and took a leap of faith. It worked out for Esther. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out like that for all people who hope and pray but I was inspired none the less and it certainly was a significant story to be reading as I made some decisions myself. Like Exodus, Esther presents us not with an abstract concept or a how to do it set of instructions but with a story, a story we can try to live into as we too take up the challenge to trust in God.

1-2 Peter – I really like this line from Peter. “So clean house! Make a clean sweep of malice and pretense, envy and hurtful talk. You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast drink deep of God’s pure kindness.” From The Message obviously. It is easy to forget how damaging things like pretense and envy can be for our souls. There is not a lot of focus on them really but the Bible reminds us a lot to try to keep them at bay. I also like the motherly image of God that is presented here and I love the idea of drinking deep from God’s kindness. Doesn’t the world need more kindness?

Mother’s Day came and went fairly unremarked upon. In the lead up I kept watching the different ads for mother’s day gifts and thinking how much my mum would hate them. When I commented on this to Martin, he said, “you wouldn’t like them either”. Funny that it hadn’t even occured to me that I was now someone who receives gifts on Mother’s Day. Obviously, Nina is too little to give me anything but Martin gave me a big sleep in and some flowers on her behalf.

I took my mum to the movies cause she’s a great mum. Then we went to dinner, although Keith paid for the dinner for the mums. We saw a movie called Babies that was really great. It was just based on four babies, one from Mongolia, Nambibia, The USA and Japan and how they interacted with their environment, It was really cute and funny and interesting to see how similiar babies are but how different their environments are. It was a reminder to be a little less precious. Babies are actually quite resilient.

My gorgeous little girl is going pretty well. She says mama now and has one little tooth. She also crawls around. Well commando crawling, not quite up yet but she can get where she wants. She doesn’t seem to particularly enjoy it though. Although, I guess it is something she has to do on her own and she is not that into that. She likes being very close to people, preferably being carried. Other things she likes are eating, especially sand and leaves and anything she shouldn’t, putting her feet in the dirt, watching people brush their teeth, the new Alice Springs indoor pool, pulling DVD’s off the shelf, being thrown around by Martin, “if your happy and you know it clap your hands”.

I’m not happy that Osama Bin Laden is dead. I don’t trust the media or the politicians one bit but if it was him that masterminded the September 11 attacks I think that was a terrible thing to do. I also get the impression that Osama was a horrendously violent, ungracious, arrogant and unkind man and he and I probably wouldn’t have got along very well at all but does that give me the right to celebrate his death? I do have to remember that I am not perfect either and that the side on which my country is fighting has far more blood on their hands than Osama Bin Laden.

Murder (which is what I believe it was) is sad no matter how bad we think the person is. Quakers believe that there is “that of God in all people” and I don’t think Osama Bin Laden is any different. I have been deeply saddened by the shows of enthusiasm and glee displayed by leaders and people around the world. I would think that even if people did believe that Osama was better off dead that there would be some regret that it had to come to this. I would have thought at least one person would take the time to remember all the people that have also died in the search for Osama Bin Laden and asked the question if the “collateral damage” is acceptable.

And the discussion about if we can trust Pakistan or not. Are we serious? Has anyone stopped to ask the question can Pakistan trust us? Are we really so arrogant to believe that the lives of those in the West are so much more valuable than the lives of those in the middle east? Why do we believe that it is okay when we kill people but not when they do? We have to remember today that the people who have really suffered are not Americans or Australians or Europeans but the people of Afghanistan, Iraq and Pakistan.

We got back yesterday from a gorgeous week in Byron. Yesterday, I was suffering from some post-holiday blues, going back to work didn’t help, but I seem to have recovered today. Getting the house clean and some time under the mountains always helps.

Anyway, it was a lovely time away. We stayed in a cute little place, a couple of minutes walk from the beach which I took full advantage of with lots of swims and walks along the beach. Nina loved the water as well. Martin went to the Blues and Roots festival a lot and I managed to sneak in for one afternoon on mum’s band. I saw Eric Bibb, Javier Rudd, Neil Muarray and the Blind Boys of Alabama. The blind Boys were the highlight but to be honest it was a bit too packed for me. I more enjoyed just hanging at the house with a lot of my favourite people. Lots of tea was drunk and hot cross buns eaten. There was also one late night theological debate with Tom and Gem. Reminded me so much of the good old days.

It was a real treat to spend some time with Jo and the gorgeous little Sebastian, although there were certainly a lot of tears leaving again. I do deeply miss all of you who were there very much.

I wouldn’t say I love cooking but I do get enormous pleasure out of cooking up new and healthy things for Nina to try. Then I put it in the freezer in little ice cube trays and she has three or four a meal. She is a pretty good eater and likes most of the things I give her. She has eaten yoghurt, rice, apples, pears, avocado, peas, pumpkin, broccoli, potato, sweet potato all mashed up but it can be pretty lumpy these days. She has also eaten a piece of banana, rockmelon, orange and cheese all by her self. She gets it all over her but that’s part of the fun and she looks very cute. At the moment I am most excited that she is eating Quinoa with spinach and tofu. Some people might think that’s a bit mean but she loves it and it is so, so good for her. I also sprinkle her food with Chia seeds which are supposed to be a super food and are filled with protein and omega 3 which is also amazingly good for her. Most importantly though is that Nina’s favourite food (although Martin would debate this) is hommous. She’s going to fit in so well.

We watched this documentary the other night on SBS. It really blew my mind. I just can’t believe that those involved in creating and sustaining this war are getting away with it. Sometimes I read about the insanely criminal activity that the US got up to in Latin America in the last century and I have thought that modern media wouldn’t let them get away with it now. It seems not so. Even today in 21st century Australia we will close our eyes to anything we don’t really want to know. Anything that will ensure our completely over the top and unsustainable lifestyles don’t get messed with. Even if this mean the death of millions (literally) and 90% of the casualties are civilians. Even if this means torture. And they knew from the start there were no weapons of mass destruction and if they didn’t then they’re just plain dumb because the evidence was there.

Anyway, I could rave about it all night but it makes me aware of how quiet I have been on the war since it started. Before it did I protested and wrote letters but since nothin, it just doesn’t feel like anyone would listen. It does make me not want to pay my taxes anymore. If only there was a way around it.