Nina has really beautiful hands and she loves them. She spends a fair proportion of her waking hours studying her hands. She looks at them (in fact stares), she plays with them (sometimes I swear she is counting her fingers), she sucks them and recently she started gripping on to things (like other people’s fingers and her rattle) with them. Her wonder for her hands and watching her discover what they can do has really encouraged me not to take my hands for granted. I think we should all have has much wonder for our hands as Nina.

“Do you respect that of God in everyone though it may be expressed in unfamiliar ways or be difficult to discern? Each of us has a particular experience of God and each must find the way to be true to it. When words are strange or disturbing to you, try to sense what they come from and what has nourished the lives of others. Listen patiently and seek the truth which other people’s opinions may contain for you. Avoid hurtful criticism and provocative language. Do not allow the strength of your convictions to betray you into making statements or allegations that are unfair or untrue. Think it possible that you may be mistaken.”

This is one of the Quaker “Advices and Queries” that I read yesterday. I have found it really, really helpful in helping me build relationship with a person I find difficult.

I was feeling pretty sad as I drove out of Sydney on Thursday. It had been a great time with everyone and I was dreading its end. And I do still feel a little bit sad to not be in Sydney with all my lovelies but driving into Alice on Sunday felt like coming home. I love the air, the quiet, the sky, the open spaces and of course the amazing people I live with. So I am happy to be back and I think Nina is too. She did so amazingly well with everything but it was pretty overwhelming for her I am sure.

I don’t think I can really write about the trip in Sydney Nina is being a bit whingy but we’re having a great time. But highlights are:
this house at Collaroy – waking up in the morning and having a swim and then mango for breakfast
Nina’s thanksgiving ceremony
catching the ferry to the city from Manly and showing Lida around Circular Quay
catching up with family in Tamworth
Leonard Cohen concert – truly the best concert I’ve ever been to
sharing it all with Nina

We arrived in Sydney on Monday arvo after having left Alice on Friday morning. It was a good trip, everything is just so green and there are wildflowers everywhere. Highlights would have to have been driving through the Flinders or our gorgeous riverside cabin in Wellington. A visit to the Bevis family in Hazlebrook to meet the babies was nice too. It has been a long time since we have seen them. Thankfully Nina quite likes the car so she was pretty cruisy the whole time. Unfortunately though she got a little bit sick so our first stop in Sydney was the Summers Ave Medical Clinic. She was fine, just a little cold but her parents were a bit freaked. Nina makes me feel very vulnerable. In the evening Jemma came over and had dinner with us and it was lovely to catch up with her too.

The next morning, Martin went and picked up his mum. Nina and I hung with Gem for a bit and then waited around for them to come back. It was great introducing Lida to Nina. She was so excited. In the evening we all had a happy evening at community dinner.

That night Nina manged to sleep from 10pm to 5.30am. Even though I still had to get up and express some milk I felt pretty amazing after that much sleep. I also went for a swim for the first time since Nina and I managed 12 laps. Not a bad start I thought. On return I had a hot bath. I think for the first time since getting pregnant my body felt good, like it was mine again. I can not tell you how good it felt. We also took Lida for lunch at pie in the sky. Good pies, beautiful view. That night John, Tom and Gem joined us for a very funny dinner.

Nina didn’t sleep so well that night though. She is constantly reminding me not to expect any routine. It’s great that Martin’s not working though so he was able to do the 4.00am bouncing for almost an hour. What a wonderful father. Thankfully she slept in a little bit longer though so we were up at 8 rather than 6. We went to Gerringong to visit Kat and Tom. Long drive but so beautiful. I love that part of the world. We stopped at the Buddhist temple for tea and to show Lida. I had the nicest chai and spring rolls ever. The food there is always so good. If you are ever in that area make sure you eat there. It was also so, so great to catch up with Kat and Tom in their new totally amazing home on the beach.

Today though I am bracing for not so good a time. Nina is having her 8 week vaccines and they are pretty painful. I imagine she is going to be pretty distressed after. And me too, probably more. I am completely out of proportion worried about how awful it is going to be watching someone stick a needle in my little girls leg I actually have butterflies in my stomach. So glad Martin is coming. I couldn’t do it alone. So better go wake her up which totally sux baecause she is for the second time ever actually sleeping in her cot in daylight hours.

Things Nina likes
1. Breastmilk
2. Having no nappy on and being able to kick her legs in the sun
3. Being in the sling
4. Being bounced up and down (especially by Martin)
5. Having a bath
6. Having a massage
7. Going for a ride in the car (although it has to be going be fast)
8. Sucking her fist

Things Nina doesn’t like
1. Being hungry
2. Being tired (then she forgets how to get back to sleep)
3. Getting dressed
4. Getting out of the bath
5. Not being held

I have a bit of a habit of coming in on blog discussions after they have finished but both Tom and Andreana wrote a piece on original sin on their blogs that I thought were very interesting and I have been thinking about them a lot. I guess one of things that really inspired this thought is that I spend a lot of time watching a new born baby and I have wondered if I think she is essentially sinful. I have decided that the answer is no. I suppose many will think that is just an emotional response and I accept that a lot of it is but I also think it is biblical and I will explain that now.

The cosmology (to use Andreana’s phrasing) that I grew up with and that I want to raise my child with is that she is made in the image of God and that she is a precious, wonderful part of His creation. As it is says in Genesis 1:27, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Then in Genesis 1:31, “God saw all that he had made and it was very good.” So then Adam and Eve sin and God says, “the man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil” Genesis 3:22. Therefore, I don’t think Adams sin automatically means that the rest of humanity is no longer made in God’s image or negates thne fact that God’s creation is “very good.” For God created Adam and Eve (as he does the rest with us) with the free will to choose sin and knowing that he still thought it was good.

I also think that the story of the Bible as a whole is calling us to take responsibility for our sin. However if we are born with original sin and there is no other option but to sin we are more like robots who are programmed that way. That allows me to believe that when I do cruel things to other people it’s not really my fault but how I was born. I believe that I was born with the potential to not sin, to be perfect like God, Jesus even said it himself, “Be perfect therefore as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). That I am not perfect is not how I was born but my own free will. I believe this makes Jesus’ perfection even more powerful. We could all have done it but we didn’t.

I also think that original sin does make people feel inherently bad and I don’t think that this fits again with the Biblical notion that God is love.

Finally (and this is not a Biblical argument) I do think we teach our children to sin. We might tell them with words to share their toys or to not hit each other but they see on a daily basis adults not sharing their “toys” or treating others violemtly and cruelly. Kids learn what they see before they understand words.

So that’s why I don’t really believe in original sin. That and it doesn’t really make sense either.

Weekend mornings, lying in bed with Nina and Martin. The two loves of my life within arms reach.

I am very grateful for all the people that we have living on the block here at Honeymoon Gap. There is of course my mum and Keith who are super generous with us all and are always great for a chat and a cup of tea or a glass of wine with nibbles. Then there is the marvellous Carney who has been living in the little cabin since January. She is the funnest person ever especially with the kids. She also has had a fairly steady group of visitors who pass in and out who are also pretty great. They are usually here to protest about some environmental or indigenous issues and the conversations around the campfire have been very lively. Currently, Ryan, Alice and Crunchie are with her. I admire them all immensely and the way they live so simply and with so much integrity. And finally, there is John and Marilyn and their gorgoeus kids. They are great too and have taught me so much about indigenous culture. The kids are always up for some play which keeps the energy up here. We are a diverse group of people but we all get along so well. There is a constant flow of people to different houses as well as a constant flow of things going from house to house (although that can get a little frustrating). I am especially grateful for the way they have all welcomed Nina into their lives and have been so willing to help me out. Be that cook a meal, hold Nina while I have a shower or keep me company over the many hours I spend at home.

The highlight of our week together I think is Saturday morning. The Saturday morning panckae tradition that we had at Enmore has been ressurrected here. Over the last months a lot of pancakes have been eaten here. It’s very fun.

Smitten – I could watch her all day (and I pretty much do)
Tired
Constantly unsure if I’m doing the right thing
Very grateful and in love with Martin
Very grateful to all those on the block for their help
Joy
Sadness
From purposeful to purposeless in two minutes
Sore nipples
Sore back
Suprised at how little I seem to be able to get done
Overwhelming love
Tired (needs to be said more than once)
A little bit anxious
Blessed