It’s been a pretty big week for me.

Firstly, Martin and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on the 2nd.  We usually do something for our anniversary but this year we didn’t I guess having a baby makes it a lot harder to go away or even go out.  I am proud of us though. Over the last seven years we we have shared so much, grown so much, laughed so much, been to amazing places, fought a bit too but have always forgiven each other, danced, ate, prayed and hoped together for so much.  I love Martin more now than ever.  He truly is a gentle, gorgeous and loving husband and now the most amazing father to our beautiful baby girl.  I could not parent her without him.

The night of our anniversary I experienced my first “tremor.  It was pretty weird really and a bit scary although by the time I realised what was happening it was pretty much over .  At first I thought it was just a big truck driving by but then it got  stronger.  It was probably quick but it felt long to me.  Nothing happened in the end but everyone has been talking about it.

I also started a job teaching English at a local primary school.  It has been very hard work.  I am very grateful for a long weekend.  Kids are full on.  But I think I will enjoy it once I settle in and get used to it.  Not to mention it’s just a really nice way to be in the community a bit more.  I keep bumping into kids around town and I like that.  Nina is going to the daycare at the school.  She always cries when we leave her and I find that really hard but by the time I get back three hours later she seems to be having a fun time and already it seems to be helping her separate from Martin and I a bit more.  She’s much happier to go to others now than she’s been since we got here.

In regards to our other projects we are still waiting.  The hospital is now telling me they are concerned if they give me access everyone will want it.  I think I may have put them off side by questioning a few things eg routine episiotomies and why a baby needs to be weighed before it’s first feed etc.  Martin as well is still waiting for a meeting with the municipality re: his compost project but again despite a number of phone calls they keep putting him off. Not sure what the issue is but to be honest they are corrupt as hell and totally inept at the municipality. They really seem to not want to move forward.  I feel a bit sad about it.  Everyone keeps telling us how great these projects are and how good they’d be for Chulucanas but the powers that be don’t seem to want anything to change.  I keep praying but I don’t really know what else to do.  Both of us feel a little bit like we can’t call anymore.  It’s just a bit humiliating now.  Maybe that’s a cop out but they know we are here, keen and able and they have our numbers….

Thankfully, we are still enjoying been here and hanging out with family in our community and these are the things that are really important things I suppose.

We’ve been in Peru 3 months now.  It’s been a challenging, peaceful… 3 months.

We still haven’t found paid work but have decided to stop looking, excpet maybe for some English tutoring with local uni students.  There just isn’t a lot of work in Peru and as you read in “job hunting in Peru” the work there is tends to go to “people who have godfathers” as a good friend put it.  There have also been some complications with my residency which means it will be two more moths and a lot more money before I can get it so I cannot work.  We were putting a lot of time and energy into looking for work, getting residency etc that we would rather put into unpaid work.  Most importantly continuing to spend time together as a family with Nina and cherish this time together.  The first few years are so crucial to a child’s development and that we have both been able to be around full time for the last 3 months is such a gift.

However, things are also looking good for our own little projects.  I have had some meetings at the hospital and they are willing to give me access if I wish to support birthing women as well as be involved in some antenatal classes.  I am just waiting to get that cleared which I am sure will take time as things tend to here,  but I am hoping to start looking for some clients as soon as that is done.  At this stage the women will still have to give birth on a bed with legs up in stirrups according to the doctor but I have had started some conversations about what they refer to here as “vertical birth” with some obstetricians and there is a bit of interest.  I have done a fair bit of research and vertical birth seems to be having success in other areas of Peru so there is some openess here in Chulucanas to the idea.

Martin is hoping to get started on a project making compost.  He is hoping to collect organic waste from the market as well as a number of families around Chulucanas to create compost to sell to local famers.  He is working with an association of “recyclers” who currently collect plastic bottles from the streets to sell.  They would earn only a couple of soles per day if they were lucky so the income they generate from this will be invaluable for them.  It will also mean less waste in Chulu and less cost to farmers who are currently paying a lot for compost that is not necessarily ethically produced.  He has met with all the parties involved, the recyclers, the market, the farmers etc so is hoping to get going once we work out some financial issues.

Without paid work it will mean that we will no longer be able to stay as long as we had first hoped.  While we are still open to other possibilities, current projections have us home late this year (I am been a bit vague as we really don’t yet).  In some ways I am really sad about the possibility of coming home a bit earlier and in others I am really excited.  Although, again nothing is definite yet we continue to try to wait patiently on God.

So my annual reflection on the previously year.  Last year I only managed to say Nina and while she continues to dominate most aspects of my life I think I can come up with a few more things this time.

Firstly , I managed to get in one more book in before the end of 2011.  Gilead by Marilynne Robinson.   In the story an old minister is writing letters to his young son before his death.  He tells him a little bit about his life and his family.  However, as he writes the letters his godson comes back into his life.  His godson is a person he has always struggled with for various reasons and the letters begin to mostly be about his struggle to forgive him.  Essentially it becomes his struggle with grace which he realtes to previous struggles in his family.  As grace is something I  thought a lot about in 2011 (which I wrote about in another post) it seemed like an appropriate book to end the year with.  It was also filled with beautiful reflections on life, death, humanity, parenting and God.  My kindle lets me underline quotes I like and I underlined heaps but alas I do not have my kindle with me to share.

• So that makes 9 books read in 2011.  Not a great effort but okay given the circumstances
• I only had two full nights sleep the whole year.  Hoping for more this year but not off to a good start.
• We lived in Alice until November and I worked part time at the AMEP and did some tutoring work at a high school.
• We went to Melbourne for David and Andreeana´s wedding
• I was in the Vagina Monologues.
• I attempted being a Chegan but failed.
• We went to Byron for the Blues and Roots festival but more importantly for me to meet the gorgeous Sebas.
• We celebrated six years of marriage.
• I turned 29 and celebrated with Gem for the first time in 5 years.
• We went to Darwin for another wedding and visited Litchfield National Park
• I became a doula and attended two amazing birth´s as part of it.
• Nina turned one.
• We celebrated my grandmother´s 80th with a beautifulbeach holiday in Fingal Bay.
• I finished my prayer book.  I just printed it myself and gave it to family and friends and some retreat places.  So while nothing particuarly came of it, it was a lot of effort and I enjoyed the process.
• We moved to Peru.
• Was in bed before midnight on NYE for the second year in a row.

It was a BIG year.  Massive really as I look back over that list, which certainly doesn´t include everything.  But it was a great year.  I give thanks to God and his abundant grace as well as the abundant grace of all those who shared the year with me especially Martin and the wonderful people at Honeymoon Gap.

A week since my last post and still on the same theme.  Boring but I guess that is my life right now.  Those people who know me well would know that I don’t cope so well in when my home is a disaster area and it feels like this last week it has been.  So it’s been pretty stressful.

We have also well and truly started the goodbyes.  I don’t feel I am doing them so well.  I have moved around a fair bit and I have actually always been okay with goodbyes.  It’s not that I have particularly liked them but I certainly haven’t avoided them.  Despite finding them hard I have always tried to have farewells and say goodbye properly.  This time though I have become one of those people who hates goodbyes and perhaps given a choice would just try to sneak away, anything to avoid it.  I guess I am finding it pretty hard and don’t actually have a lot of energy.  Anyway, I am trying and I guess that’s all we can ever do.

Nina turns one on Sunday. It’s going to be a pretty crazy weekend with parties for her and Ryan and all the family here so I thought I might write a little post about it early.

Probably like all parent’s I can’t believe that it has been a year already. While there were days that felt so long I thought they’d never end today it feels like only yesterday that I gave birth. It hasn’t been an easy year for me. The constant exhaustion is a bit of a killer as well as the feeling of never been able to get anything done in the time you want. I found being at home with Nina on my own a lot tested my patience and at those times I certainly didn’t always respond the way I wanted to. Although being back at work hasn’t been the miracle cure either. 

Nina is a baby who from day one required a lot. I remember returning to the hospital about a fortnight after I left. One of the midwives said to me, “I remember that baby. She was the one whose dad paced the corridors all night with her screaming.” She’s never taken naps for over an hour with someehere between 25 minutes and 40 minutes been the norm and for the first few months only if I was carrying her. When I see women put their babies down in prams or cots after they have fallen asleep I am astounded that they do that, she would always wake up and cry.  When she’s awake she certainly isn’t what you would call a placid baby either. She’s into everything causing constant mess in my life. Breastfeeding has taken a lot out of me as well and a year on I still have cracked nipples.

So motherhood one year on.  Well I guess it’s been a pretty humbling experience if you will allow me the cliche.  I have certainly had to depend on people in a way I haven’t had to since I was baby myself and I don’t really remember that.  I have also had to accept the limits of my patience and ability to cope without sleep.  I have to accept, although I am not sure I am quite there yet, that this hasn’t gone at all according to my plan.  I haven’t been the cruisy and relaxed mother that I want to be and I regret how many amazing moments I have missed with her because I have been worried about the state of the house or some other equally unimportant thing.  But one of the big learning that came out of my birth for me was “trust in defeat” and I guess it is something I will have to throughout motherhood. 

In saying all that Nina is also the most wonderful, gorgeous, extraordinary, amazing, beautiful little girl . While her inquisitiveness is exhausting I love that she is so curious about the world.  She is a really good teacher of minfulness and being present in the moment and there have been many times when I have been a good student as well.  I love the way she dances and sings and chats away constantly.  I love watching her learn different things.  I love her awe at the world, particularly animals.  I love playing with her and when she laughs I can still get all teary.  I am also very impressed at how loud she can be and sure of what she wants at such young age.  I still get excited about coming home to her smile.  The total all consuming love that I feel for her is an incredible feeling.  I am still so overwhelmed with gratefullness to God for her.