I can’t believe I have sat here all day and achieved nothing. Well I can’t really say nothing but not very much, well in regards to my assessment. Computers have become the ultimate aiders in procratination, to highlight my point I will write about my day.

So I sit down to write my assessment but first I just had to check my emails quickly, so I open up the net and there is the Sydney morning herald site, justy a quick read and then a long one, not that the royal wedding really interests me but you know I have to stay informed. Then I get to my emails, just to check and then to reply to the important ones and then you know the less important ones. Now it is time for a quick cuppa. I come back I decide njo I will read this time so I star reading but soon my eyes are feeling heavier adn heavier and the next minute I am sound asleep. Wake up, great it is lunch time, I go and eat food and then Hannah comes home so I have to say hi, of course and then watch some childrens television, you know as I am really not getting enough of it living here. Come back upstairs and start typing all is going well but soon I need a another cuppa and cigarette break. Come back sit down and remember that a great quote I readon the net but where so I start searching soon I find myself reading all my friends blogs and now here I am, I have no idea, really how it happened.

But I now I really have to go and study, well that is after another quick ciggarette break and cuppa………

Wow I have been so slack in blogging, I don’t know what’s been going on as I do so like it, really I do.

Well I guess the first thing to say is that I am feeling a little bit better since that previous entry, I mean I think I will probably have more days of feeling like that but I don’t think it will be a permanent state of being.

Second thing to say is that Martin is going to Lima tommorrow to put in our application, that is so exciting, stage three entered, it is such a relief to be moving. Please pray for us however you may do it.

Third thing to mention, well I don’t really know if thre is a third thing, maybe I will just quote something from “pedagogy of the oppressed” that I really like. Itis so great when you are reading uni books that are often so dull and so you know uni ish and you find something real and passionate.

“I am more and more convinced that true revolutionaries must percieve the revolution because of its creative and liberating nature, as an act of love. Dialogue also can not exist without a profound love for the world and for humans (he said men but I am changing it). Because love is an act of courage not of fear love is committment to others. No matter where the oppressed are found, the act of love is committment to their cause – the cause of liberation. And this committment because it is loving is dialogical.

I should be at church at the moment but the truth is I am feeling too depressed to go. I know that if I went I would probably feel better but that is the problem, when you feel down, you don’t feel like doing anything and the more you don’t do anything the more down you get and the less likely you are to do anything at all. I guess it is a good thing that I have to get up and go to work tommorrow adn then I have to meet my friend Brianna, but to tell you the truth I think that I would rather just stay in bed.

So what the fuck is wrong with me. I guess I am just really missing Peru, I am missing my friends there and the kids, I am missing the fact that I feel useful there, I miss the feeling that I matter and I am not just another person in my neighbourhood and on the train in the morning and I am missing Martin, more than I can explain, my whole body and heart and soul and mind just wants to see him and give him a hug and share his life with him.

I spoke to my friend Emily on the phone last night and she was telling me not to worry about him, that all the new volunteers adore him and that he is doing lots of stuff with his life, she told me that he had a basketball game on Friday and everyone went to watch with signs and stuff and I know I should be happy and I am, I really am but I also feel so resentful that everybody gets to share his life except me and I am the one marrying him.

I also found out that one of my friends had a baby. She is a very special woman who I met as a few of her other children were students of mine. Many of the people I know in Peru treat me differently, like I am someone with money from a different country there to help them but not Patricia, despite the fact that we really have very diiferent things we were equals and during my pregnancy and miscarriage she helped me more than anyone, trust me after 11 children she really knew. Anyway she had a little girl adn she called it Emily, I mean I remember once telling her that if it was a girl she had to call it that but I didn’t think she would, I was only joking but she did and I so want to meet her, I want to hold and teach her things and support Patricia like she supported me but I can’t and I hate that and again I feel so resentful that all the other volunteers get to and I don’t.

There is so much going on there with the kids and I want to know about it, I want to know everything but it is also so hard as I just end up missing it more. I went to bed last night and I just wept and wept, I am surprised that I didn’t wake up the whole neighbourhood It felt good though I don’t think I had really let myself do that since I came home. I wept because I miss it, I wept for all the people and the poverty that they live in, I wept for my baby and all the other struggles that I had, I wept for all the people that I met and may never meet again, I wept for the fact that I can’t change the whole world and I wept because of the shit that I have to go through just to be with the man that I love.

You know the problem with going and living in other places is that I will now spend the rest of my life missing somewhere. I don’t regret it though none of it and I just have to remember something my mum told me once. She said that we live in a world where lots of sad things happen and that it is good to feel sad for it, it shows that you care. She is right if I never cared for anyone or anything I wouldn’t feel like this but I refuse to stop caring.

In 1971 an interdepartmental Whitehall committee compiled a secret report
on smoking and health. Almost ten years later it was leaked to the press.
Its conclusions made depressing reading. A reduction in smoking would
certainly lead to a parallel drop in invalidism and premature deaths but,
the committee reasoned, such an improvement in the health of the nation would
be undesirable. If two out of every five smokers kicked the habit, we
should have to face the problem of caring for an extra 100,000 old people every year. Any savings in the costs of treating the victims of tobacco
poisoning would be more than offset by the extra retirement pensions that the state would have to pay to the survivors. Moreover, the report went on, if people stopped spending so much of their income on a heavily taxed commodity like tobacco, they would have more money to buy other goods such as imported washing machines, video recorders and cars. Over a five year period, a 20 per cent fall in cigarette consumption would produce a nasty deficit on the balance of payments. Therefore, on balance, the report argued that it would be better for the economy if people were left to smoke themselves into an early grave
(Booth, Tim (1988) Developing Policy Research, Aldershot: Avebury. p.52).

And on that note I am going for a smoke you all a higher pension. I will be back soon.

I had such a good weekend, I think all weekends should be three days (not that, that i a very original idea so I will just shut up about that).

On Friday I went to the complex and hung out for awhile, I got a mobile, yes I finally succumbed to the temptation and I am not sure if I am going to put the number here, I don’t think I will, you know it’s just a bit, I don’t know dodgy putting my phone number on the internet but everyone has to ask me for it so I feel like I have friends. Anyway it’s a pretty ugly phone but it does lots of cool stuiff and it was a good deal, free and that’s always good.

On Saturday I spoke to Martin as always and it was lovely. God I wish he was here and then Jo and I went shopping for Kaias engagement present. I HATE WESTFIELD but we had a really nice lunch and talk in BLU sothatw as good. Saturday night I watched The Shawshank redemption, believe it or not it was the first time. Great film. All about hope in hopeless situations and joy in the simplicity of life. I am all about those things, especially hope and there is a very special person in my life called hope.

Sunday was Kaia and Marks engagement. It was a beautiful afternoon in Wahroonga park and very relaxing, lots of talking. YAY again for Kaia and Mark. I had never met Mark before and although we didn’t really talk he seemed like a good guy and really in love with Kaia and that is the most important thing. On Sunday I went to Micahel adn Alexis house. It was very stressful getting there, it always is with my family but I don’t feel like going into that, it just sux though when things happen that really rub it in your face that your parents are divorced. I guess I am lucky as it doesn’t happen often, my parents are pretty good with eachother most of the time but this weekend they weren’t. But despite the stress we had a really good night.

On Monday we visited Steve and Mim. That was good adn they seem really well. I like spending time with other passionate people. After that we went to kattomba and the three sisters. I think Australia rocks, hahahah threes sisters rocks (that was not intentional).

Well with jokes like that I have to go but I think the highlight of the weekend was Jo French, lots of Jo is always good.

I haven’t written on my blog for awhile, I’ve been naughty but now I should be able to write more because I have sent of all the stuff for Martins visa. Yay I am so happy that it is finally done I feel like a huge wait has been lifted off my shoulders. I was also starting to feel a bit stagnant, like I wasn’t getting any closer to the day that he would be here and now I feel like yes we are getting somewhere again. I mean it still has to arrive to him which could take a week or so and then he has to send it to Santiago and I don’t know how long that will take and then we wait for them to actually process it all and that will be a long time, you know one of the strong points of bueracies is not speed, actually I don’t know if they have any strong points but the point is we have entered stage two and that is good.

I am feeling quite positive about it all at the moment, I mean there is no way that they won’t believe us, well there is a way but with all the stuff that we have it would be hard not to. I kind of feel also that if you are being honest and doing things the right way it has to work or what is the point of the system. I also believe in love and the power of it. You know this may be a little off the subject but I believe that Jesus’ only power was love, all those miracles were done and that death survived because of love, not because he was some supernatural being with mysterious powers, he was just a human with an extraordinary and miracle making power and that was love. I hope that if one is acting in love and filled with it then maybe things happen even if they seem really difficult and impossible.

David, thank you for fixing my computer and listening to me winge. You are very clever and that is a good thing.

Ryan, Jem and Chris thanks for coming round tonight and taking me out when I was feeling low and talking to me it was great.

Robert and Tom, thanks for always saying welcome when I come home. I like living with you.

Jo thanks for always listneing and writing that stat dec and reading my statement, it is nice that people are interested.

Annie, thanks for parying for me even if you don’t entirely agree with everything.

Jane and John thanks for letting me live me live in your house

Anmol thanks for always writing comments on my blog

Kaia thaks for being exited about coming to see me soon, I am excitd to see you.

01. first name: emily
02. were you named after anyone? no but I believ my mother wanted to call her first daughter Emily Rose since she was a teenager.
03. do you wish on stars? no
04. which finger is your favorite? Never thought about I guess thumbs are useful but the little fingers are kind of cute.
05. when did you last cry? I don’t cry, I work out I have hobbies. no that’s not true I never work out and I cry all the time, I think I got teary last night but the last time I really cried was the 7th of March, on my kitche floor into mothers lap.
06. do you like your handwriting? Yeah, it’s okay, a little big and I wish that I wrote a little bit faster.
07. what is your favorite lunch meat? Meat is not really my things.
08. any bad habits? About 100, I guess smoking is the most obviuos one and the least confrontational.
09. what’s in your cd player right now? Nora Jones, unless Robert or Tom changeed it which is quitepossible
10. do you believe in soul mates? No
11. are you a daredevil? Not at all, I never really understood the fun in scaring the shitof yourself.
12. have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? I think so. but not for along time and I don’t think it was anything important.
13. do looks matter? I would like to say no but I think they do
14. have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? Yes, but if you try to learn another language it will happen to you too.
15. do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No
16. do fish have feelings? I really don’t know.
17. are you trendy? Not really but I am not un trendy either.
18.
19. where are your second homes? frenches, well it’smy first home at the moment and I guess Koky and Cesar’s in Peru.
20. do you trust others easily? Yes, I figure that is better to trust someone who in the end didn’t deserve your trust than to not trust someone who did.
21. what was your favorite toy as a child? blue bear, mind you if I had have had one of those cookie monsters that hannah has that would have been my favourite.
22. what class in school do you think is totally useless? For me personally it was probably computers or science or german, I don’t think I went to any of those classes, mind you with a bit of hindsight I am really regretting that, my blog could be more so much more attractive or I could have spoken to some people when I was in Germany. So I actually don’t think they are inherently useless, in fact I dony learning is inherently useless but I have tosay as I ma studying education.
23. do you have a journal? Yes I have heaps but I don’t write in them much now that I blog.
24. do you use sarcasm a lot? Someone once said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, I don’t know if that is true but if it is then I have very low wit.
25. have you ever been in a mosh pit? yes it was quite fun.
26. what do you look for in a boy/girl? Someone who I respect and respects me, someone who listens, someone who has similar interests and passions and beliefs as me, someone who is kind, gentle, confident and independent, someone who is not jealous, someone who makes me laugh.
27. what are your nicknames? mil, chicha and in school people called me flash (and no it’s not what you thihnk)
28. would you ever bungee jump? I don’t think so.
29. do you untie your shoes when you take them off?I don’t tie my laces when I put them on.
30. do you think that you are strong? No.
31. what’s your favorite ice cream flavor? passionfruit or lemon sorbet.
32. what’s your favorite color(s)? purple. read the book.
33. what is your least favorite food? Meat.
34. how many wisdom teeth do you have? 2 but they are still coming down.
35. are you in love with anyone? Yes.
36. how many people have a crush on you right now? A couple of my students from the hightschool had crushes on me but I think they’d be over that by now. Martin loves me, is that included as a crush.
37. who do you miss most right now? I miss so many people, so deeply right now, all my friends and the kids in Peru but I guess the person who I miss most is Martin though I think you all knew that. It’s been three months now since I have seen him.
38. do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? I think they already have.
39. what are you wearing? Ugg boots, jeans and a brown baggy jumper, how happy am I to be wearing these things.
40. what are you listening to right now? The birds and the boys (tom and robert) but i can’t really hear what they are saying.
what has become of 41?
42. what was the last thing you ate? A caramello koala (thanks Tom)
43. if you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red, I would like to red.
44. how is the weather right now? Tempremental,one minute it is blue and sunny the next minute it is overcast.
45. who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Chris Simpson but he was ringing for Tom so then Matt.
46. first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Prescence. Colouring, I sound like rascist and smile.
47. …?
48. how are you today? To be honest a little bit low, not very low but not high either. You know like an almost hangover, just a little bit wrong and disorientated.
49. favorite drink? I would say wine but that’s the next questionRed wine, earl grey tea and lemon lime and bitters
50. favorite alcoholic drink? Red wine.
51. favorite sports? soccer
52. hair color?light brown maybe a tinge of blonde
53. eye color? light brown, maybe a little hazel
54. do you wear contacts? no
and now my sweet 55….
56. what is your favorite month? December
57. favorite food? Laksa
58. last movies you watched? Starsky and Hutch
59. favorite day of the year? I don’t know I like Christmas
60. are you too shy to ask someone out?
62. summer or winter? Summer
63. hugs or kisses? I can’t decide they’tre both great
64. relationships or one-night stands? DFINITELY RELATIONSHIPS
65. do you want your friends to write back? I would like some comments
66. who is most likely to respond? I don’t know wjo will be reading adn I think those who want to do it already have.
67. who is least likely to respond? Gemma Hayes
someone stole 68,
69. what books are you reading? The road less travelled and Passionate marriage, I guess you can tell what I ma tyhinking about and if you are like Tom and you can’t it is marriage.
70. favorite song? I want a top five, and these aren’t in any order 1. With or without you, U2 2. Fast car, Tracaey Chapman, 3 Colour Blind, Counting Crows 4 He watches over you, Sons of Korah 5romeo and Juliet, Dire Straits
71. favorite board game? scrabble
72. what did you watch on tv last night? Nothing
73. favorite smells? Gardenias and fresh bread and red wine and Martins aftershave.
74. what is your most embarrassing cd on the shelf? I don’t know if I have a shelf, I mean most of the Cds are Keiths.
75. if you were another person, would you be friends with you? I hope so.
76. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Should I go to work today? I thinks so because it is only ___ days till the weekend when I can sleep in.
77. how valuable do you consider your time? Well I don’t have much of it…..

The other morning on nova they were asking the question “what rage do you have” and I have slow computer rage, all the computers in my life are slow, the ones at work and the one here. I also have

blunt pencil rage
womens magazines rage
people who manipulate other people rage
losing my wallet and diary in the one week rage
people who complain about slow service when they have no idea when and where and which doctor they want to see and then make you hold the phone for five minutes while they look for their diary, when they are ringing to make an apptointment rage
immigration dept rage

and I probably have rage at the fact I have to many rages. So what’s your rage?

I really want to go church but if I go to church I have to catch the train in and I really don’t want to catch the train in so I don’t think I am going to go which is a shame as it is probably the only time I don’t have to get up and go to work in the morning but really going all the way to Kings Crosss and back on the train is too much especially late at night and especially on Easter Sunday when there will be less trains running. But I want to go and if I go home there is not very much I can do there. I mean I could do some study but I have been studying all day and I am sick of that. Well all day is not entirely true but have done a fair bit and in general a fair bit over this long weekend so I don’t really feel like doing that at all. So I might as well go.